The rants of a blank whiteboard!

Well I really just felt like ranting today and I figured that this was pretty safe cause I am sure not many people actually stop by here very often. I am having a hard time understanding why people who date seem to drop off the face of the earth to their friends all the time? It is even one of those things that you take about when you are single and they say it will never happen to them but low and behold it does not take long before it does happen. I mean they are good with it as long as the person they are dating is around. Do you know how hard it is to detach that friend from the person that they like for even 5 min to have a conversation? I know that you all know what I am talking about in one way or another. I just hate it and would really love to be able to understand why it happens all the time. It is not something that will go away ever either I don't think. They get married and there will still not be time. I guess that I need to create a grave stone for when this happens and just start a grave yard of people who this happens to in my life. I guess that I also just need to sit back and let it bother me to much. Oh so much for the rant I am off to watch the game.

I'll give my heart to survive!

Heart!

Ok I have followed the words that I typed back in January. I have placed my heart back into the hands that have caused it the most damage. I have done it with no strings attached and I am trusting that God will help me though and that he is my shield and strength. It is an odd feeling knowing and almost anticipating your heart being shattered again. But at the same time it is a bit freeing. It is kind of like the calm before a big storm. “One final heart-break, And blinding lights will guide our way, Free us our blind state…” These words have been going through my head all day long so far. I woke up to them in a state of mind that was full of anxiety and confusion. I have not however questioned my actions in doing it. I have questioned some of the stuff that was said along with it and have been replaying things over in my head but I know that I did the right thing and that I need to leave it out there no matter what I anticipate. It feels like a totally healthy spot to be in.

“Caught a glimpse of your eye, Everything freezes and I'm ready, To give you my heart…” All of these songs continue to come to me today and it is nothing to just ignore them but it just continues on so that it cannot be ignored. Louder and louder it gets in my head to the point where I have to find the song and listen to it and continue to listen to it. There are so many songs in my favorite albums that keep jumping out to me. So many words to confirm but yet the darkness seems like a slow decent over me.
“I know I was made to go up this mountainEvery bone in my body tells me it's rightI know I was made to go up this mountainBut I'm getting scared of heightsStill I'll sleep to the sound of the monsters roarCause I'll sleep next to your heartbeat foreverThe endings are all rightThe endings are all goodWhat if I could reach insideTo take a deeper breath to see it's all rightWhat if I saw you at my side”

I have for albums worth of songs that I am going through right now. Things today are all crazy around me and words continue to come out through the music that I am listening too and that has been four albums all day long. There is so much in them and they are really familiar cd’s and yet I cannot tire of them right now and continue to play them over and over. If I was to try and mark out all of the things that are facing me off in these albums right now this post would go on for a long time. I will not however quote them all but there are few that I know are still longing to get on the page and out of my head.

It is things like this that I am not sure how to take and how to deal with them but they grab me and demand my attention. They are right there in my face and will not move. The bully my thoughts and I am sure there is a reason for it all. I really don’t know why but I know that they are there.
“I hear you, so don't you say another word Now here you are standing there crushing yourself I'll near you, but my eyes see a different world Here you are standing there breaking my heart, as you're crushing yourself…”

I guess that this goes hand in hand with the decision that I made yesterday. But it makes me feel as if I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and looking down wondering how to get to the bottom. I know there are ways to get down but the magnitude of what is right in front of me just baffles my mind and it is not able to think straight right now. Take a step back then think about it. So I strive to step back and see what place God has for me in all that is going on. To hear that still small voice and allow it to echo inside my head. To know what my place and role in all of this is. I stand by for now, knowing that something is happening and I am right in the middle of it but too out of it to know what. This is where the faith comes in and I long for my head to clear from the few good blows that it feels like I have taken to the head. I know that God is right there in the middle with me and I know that I am in good hands. My head might be cloudy but I know that HIS is not and that he is totally in control and knowing what is going on and it is just a matter of time before he give me a command that I must do. Head clear so that I can be ready for that. Let the warrior in me rise up and overcome the fear of the future that grips me. Over come the anxiety and trust! “…When there's not much left to say Words better left unspoken Let me hear from you When your heart is broken …”God let it be so.

Dusk of the giggles!!!

Ok what a great title even if it is after dark by a few hours. But tonight was filled with great times were uncontrollable giggling started and could not be stopped. I watched a movie tonight that I have been anticipating seeing for a while. I tried to convince Nolan to watch it with me but knew that his ever growing list of things to do should win out over me. Some comment was made about praying about the movie I was going to watch after I had watched it. Nolan's todo list did win in the end and I conceded the victory to such a valiant foe. So off I went to watch the movie and enjoy. Well enjoy I did and I found it quite a funny movie. So after I was finished watching the movie upstairs I came and there was Nolan and Andrea praying so I went and joined them. After a few moments I started to relax and settle in. (This is the part that gets a little bit dicey and some feelings and pride might have been hurt in the making of this story but nothing permanent I hope.) Nolan started to pray and off he went into his usual cunning self and started bringing reference from the movie into prayer. I started to lose it (keep your cool RJ), started snickering and thinking that it was just me. No he continues and the second phrase comes out and I try to maintain composure. A few more snickers and another couple of comments and that is the end of it for me. Now into the giggles and I could not stop for a while. I head to my room with tears streaming down my face and still the giggles continue. I get into the room and fall down on my bed and continue.......... need less to say that this goes on for a bit and Nolan comes in whith a great big smile on his face looking very proud of what he had accomplished and might have even given me a few giggles while I was rolling around on the floor and trying to stop crying. Thanks for times like these GOD and for friends that make it happen!!!!!! Lots of love to you all. RJ

THe Forest that gets us all!

The Forest grows dreary....

must run for safety.

The dusk draws near
vision starts to fail
yet I still run.

As darkness sets
the forest grows
the trees loom above me

Panic hits hard
My brain screams RUN!

I run through the forest,
I run to the fortress.
The forest holds me back,
tripping me, grabbing me,
holding me back.
Safety is close but the forest
holds me back.

I feel the rip of thorns,
the grasp of roots at my feet.
My mind screams RUN ON!

So there it is something that I started writing at church on Sunday. It is no where close to being finished. it is kinda a morph between a song lyric and a poem so i am not sure which it will end up. I just wanted to share it and get some feed back about it. Sunday was so cool. I have been talking with some of my friends about my tattoo that I am working on getting together to get drawn so that I can get it and it has sparked a lot in me. I know that God is doing some good stuff in me because of this tattoo. It is causing me to go back and look at things that have gone on in the past and look toward the future to see what God has promised me. Enjoy the writing up at the top and let me know what you think.

Fun in the Sun!!!!

Well the fun was not actually in the sun for the most part. But James and Adam brought some sunshine to my day last Saturday. Ian did as well as we competed to stay out of last spot on Big game hunter. It was awesome amounts of loud fun that was had that afternoon. I love you guys if you are reading this!!!! HA ha We then headed down to the Getto to see Ian's place which i still have yet to see thanks in part of a phone call from my sister. It was a great after noon though and it is always fun with those guys. So what is new with me..... Well this week I stopped in at my Tat artist and set an appointment to get my Tattoo touched up and talk about my new one. Yes that is right I am hooked and I know that I would be..... HA HA so this one will be my design and have lots of meaning to me as well. I don't have the skill to do the art but I will be the director of the art. I would love to hang with some of you guys that are out there and talk about it and get some ideas and prayer. I kinda have a scene in my head but there are lots of little things that I need to get worked out. So if you would like to have a part let me know and we will sit down together.

There is also the new job that continues on and is going good. I am wanting to get my Motorcycle license and do that cause it is a great way around in the summer and it is cheap but I will see what happens.

So life in the house goes on and has a new look every day. It is fun that is for sure. It is good to have every one back around the house again there has been lots of people out and about on adventures the past few months. It looks like everyone is settling down for a little while anyway well and then the weather gets nice and summer is on the way in. I am sure that will have its way with the house and make it even more fun to be where we are. Well that is an update for you all. Enjoy the spring!!! Oh and Chocolate Easter Eggs as well with Peanut butter!!!!!! UMMMMMMMMM wish i had some chocolate right now. :(

Ho hum!!!!

Hi Ho....... Hi Ho, hi ho it's home from work I go!!! Well that is not what I say most days but tonight it is a different story. I am not feeling good and would not recommend that anyone catch what I caught. I am not sure who passed it on to me but they did a good job. So I had a sore throat on Friday and Sat but on Sunday when i woke up it was no longer just a sore throat. I have to compare it to the closest thing that I can imagine that it felt like which is getting run over by a 18 wheeler. Except you don't end up with the pancake side effect. Everything hurt and I felt like I was about 100 well what I think it must feel like being 100. If there is anyone out there that would like to describe what it feels like to actually be 100 I would love to hear it and compare the way that I felt. Ok today was a very long day at work. Oh well I guess that I can be glad that I got to sit at a desk all day and did not have to be outside. So there something good to end this section off. :)

Ok now for the real thing that i was going to write about. Last week I had something happen to me that was a little bit unexpected and I am not really sure how to take it. I have been praying about this thing and for clarity on it for the past 6 months. I just have to say that clarity was not achieved at all but the opposite actually and it has left me with lots to consider. It comes at a time when I just started to read a book called God on Mute. I have gotten about 2 chapters in and it is a great read so far. I am hoping that clarity comes and the sooner that it comes the better. but is that not what we all feel at times like this. We want to see clear but it is like we are looking into a cloudy steamed up mirror. Something that can be clear but right after you get out of the shower it is something that you hope for. A nice clear mirror that you can look into and shave and not slice and dice your face. The truth is that it is never that way though. it always takes a while to clear up before you can use it the way it was meant to be used. I guess that is what it is like in life a lot. I will continue to wait for the steam to clear and the time when I will be able to see things the way God sees them.

Life is great though. I love the events that continue to revolve around me. Things that involve me when I really am not sure what I am involved with. Life takes it time in getting you places and sometimes we waste so much of it with hoping for the time to come instead of enjoying the ride along the way. Well I guess that I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride and the view that has been given to me right now!

I guess that the first thing about a road trip is the stops that you take but there is something so annoying like the journey getting held up because Andy wanted to go shopping at the outlets. 2 hours later and we were finally back on the road! Man with stops like that forget getting anywhere quickly.

Ah that is just one of many things that has happened while on this trip. It has been a great trip but I am feeling home sick right now and looking forward to getting home. Which begins the 2 day adventure home. There is so much stuff to unpack from this week that is feels like more stuff then India for me. Man the stories are and were great and the awesome things that are happening around North America is incredible. There are lots of funny stories like the girl that I met that cost me $40 right off the bat. It is ok I am sure that I will get over it and it was a fun game. Would I play it again yea sure I would why not after all I was going to continue on and make another attempt at something that most would find almost impossible but I found a great way around it. Ok there are 3 people going to be in the car and you are sitting in the back seat and you don't want to sit alone...... what do you do? (It really does not matter if it is a girl or boy but if it is the opposite sex it makes it even more fun.) :) I came up with a great idea and would love to hear all of your ideas about how to get this done and if you actually do it I want to know that as well. My Idea got put on to the side lines as the person that I was going to use it on is now not riding with us in the morning. Oh well I guess that it just might warrant another road trip. ;)


Bunnytrail: The first to get married between Andy, Rj, and Nolan gets to move into Andy's room and the other 2 have to then share. Hope that She does not mind a glass door for the first year of marriage. Andy you better get those blinds up soon. :)

Ok I have to go back to the fun that was had on the drive down. Everything was going good till Nolan's car decided that it wanted to try and get Andy and I convicted of smuggling things in the door. Yea that is right Nolan's car does not like me and I am not sure why. But just as we were getting to the boarder the door panel decided to come lose in about -20 weather. We ended up
at the border for an hour about 55 min longer then the normal stay at the boarder for me. Thanks Andy for that.

Ah well everything went ok and they let us in so that is all that matters. It was a good trip thought. It was full of fun in the car and the stops for coffee and food. What can i say it was a road trip. The conference was great and got to meet lots of cool people. Sam and Michel were wonderful. We stayed at there house and drank their beer (which was good). We got to hang out with them and it was totally awesome. Well I know that this is slow in coming but I just wanted to get this out of the way and make room for other things that are going on with me.
Man I am like what 2 weeks behind with my life on here??? HA ha well I guess that it is better that then you never getting to see a small piece in my life. HA HA Well to all of those out there that read this I hope that you enjoy.